My Problems Over the Last Few Weeks
So the last few weeks have been rather difficult for me. Around mid march I started having these depressing thoughts about the prospect of growing old and dying, and it’s weighed me down a lot. I’ve been having an extended existential crisis essentially. I think it might have been triggered by the fact that my 20th 🎂 is coming up. In my mind, I was thinking about how most people don’t live past 90, and so when you put it in proportion I’ve probably lived more than 20% of my life already. And the morbidity was exacerbated because I was just sitting in my dorm room for what felt like 95% of each weekday, left alone with my own thoughts. At first I was able to keep doing my college assignments as usual, the thoughts just weren’t enough to stop me from working. But they started having an effect on my productivity, particularly with regard to my reading assignments as I would start just not read the full number of assigned pages. Then about a week ago I just started slacking off with my workload in general, using extensions. Trying to deal with my own mental health crisis and my college work at the same time just sort of became impossible. This funk I’ve been in has made me act in a way that’s really not characteristic of the kind of student I am as a whole, because in all my other college semesters including the first half of this one, I was super hard working, putting in probably something like 8–9 hours a day into my schoolwork, if you include class time. I think in hindsight I had this temptation, because of my crisis, to just put the semester on pause somehow, I wanted to take time away to figure out how to deal with my emotions and recuperate. But as the backlog started growing over the last few days the laziness became about avoiding the work I needed to make up as much as trying to help myself feel better. The trouble with extensions is that they don’t remove the workload, they just kind of shove the work off to a later point where it all kind of needs to be tackled before the semester ends. That’s frustrating to me, because it makes it seem like despite the fact that I reached out to counselors and stuff, the only thing I could have done right in the situation was to just not have had the crisis in the first place, which is obviously 😠. Even setting up the counseling appointments has been frustrating, because despite how draining this whole experience has been, it seems the counselors are so booked up now I can only speak to someone once a week if I’m lucky, not including the regular meetings I already have with Patty from disability services 😣. I tried to fill the vacuum at one point by calling up telehealth workers for a chat. Earlier on, back when this whole thing was just starting, I would actually call my 👨👩👧👦 a lot, and I even switched to distance learning for a few days so that I could spend some time at home with them. I was a little slow to open up to my counselors about some of the problems that I’ve been facing, so I get that some of the blame is on me, but in general I feel as if the system that’s supposed to be in place to get me through this kind of situation wasn’t quite equipped to help me. I just couldn’t get as many appointments as I wanted, and when I did get them the time window was just too small for me to both explain my emotions and also receive constructive feedback. Appointments were usually just me talking for 90% of the time. I guess it could just be me trying to place blame, I don’t know. Thankfully me and Patty met earlier today and I think we finally might have a plan to get things back on track, but part of me feels like something could have been done differently earlier on.